Tribute to an old friend (OT)

There's not a day that passes that I don't think of you, you see
And think of each precious peep and what they've meant to me.
Even though my real life somehow got in the way and I disappeared from view
there hasn't been a single day that I've not thought of you.
Careening towards insanity and quite unable to post,
and now sadly looking back, realizing that's when I needed you most.
Sorry for hurt feelings and more regrets than I can share
and even though you don't see me, please know I'm often there.

And now so many months later when my hell is near it's end
Why do I find it difficult to jump right in again?
Because my life was full of carp and I kept it to myself
not wishing to bum others, but I felt put upon a shelf,
out of sight and out of mind, though there are a few
who remained polite and others very kind.

I wish that I could turn back the hands of time and do things differently
and now I just wonder if the awkwardness is felt by only me?
Because I'm the one who abandoned peeps who mean the world to me
and I can see where it would be hard to be my friend
when I internalize my agony and it beats me over and over again.

Yes I suffered silently but from wherever I was emotionally I did my best
To share your joys and sorrows, honored every good vibe and prayer request
and sent thanks to the heavens for every newborn and to those who'd so been blessed.
I never really left you all even though I was unseen
There just was no way for me to tell you all how miserable I'd been.

For so long I've wondered how can I possibly express
all the things I've been through that made me such a mess.
And how much I have missed you all , for each one I feel blessed.
Even those who don't know me and to those who know me well,
I believe I'm finally coming out of my own private little hell.
And each day I am improving and finding the me I've missed so much
so I ask for your forgiveness for being so far out of touch.