So many blogs, so little time

For MM, Arkie, Mystic and Seana

I blog because I have swiss cheese for brains, I know I've said that before but it still holds true, I forget alot of stuff. And for awhile, I only had a few that I read religiously because those friends saw fit to provide me with a link. But then I stumbled into HD's blog and he had linked many peeps who I miss from my OT days (and for whatever reason chose not to spend my days there) and so I started reading theirs too. But once you are out of sight and out of mind, how do you go about commenting? I did on one and was totally ignored, feeling hurt, but then I guess I should expect the rebuff. It's not like I was ever one of the "cool kids" there, but for awhile it seemed I was at least accepted, if not actually liked. But how do you say "God I have missed you people and wish things had been different in my RL"?

I know I have not been a barrel of laughs for some time now, real life shit getting in the way of my sunny disposition, but even though they already had figured out (well, some of them maybe) that I am a sensitive soul and perhaps didn't interact with me for fear of saying something that I would take personally and be hurt by, their silence is even more painful. And how do you return to a cyber world that kept your soul afloat for so long after a self imposed absence?

I know in retrospect it was my own damn fault that part of the reason things got so chilly towards me at the end was that I was selfish. And unkind in the kindest way I could be. But the nature of the beast with sites like the one I loved is that for every peep who leaves (or in my case, was still there) there are 10 new ones to take their place. And not being good at being analytical I surmised that when I started threads (that meant something to me) got hijacked by new peeps, they were in essence, telling me I didn't matter. But the biggest hurt was they were so easily accepted and I felt like nothing. The beggining of the end I spose.

I placed a plaque on my dads grave that said, in essence, "There are those who come and quickly go in our lives and there are others who stick around awhile, changing us forever and leaving footprints on our hearts when they go" as he was someone who did leave an impression on my heart and I wanted to be someone who could do the same, just by being. I was basically invisible growing up and I didn't want to pass through and stay that way. I wanted to leave those footprints, too. Many of those fine peeps have left their footprints on my heart but how do I express that to them?

For 40+ years I lived to be able to say I had no regrets. And then I found OT. Now I have a number of regrets. I regret that I was so sensitive in a place that felt like "home" but is only a site on a computer, because I came to love those people for real. I regret that I was unkind to one green monster and her pal bravie when they were new and having fun. I know the rebuffs hurt, I had them when I was new too, but I, of course, am the bad guy in this scenario and have paid the price for my insensitivity. And further unkindnesses on another private site (that someone created because they cared about my feelings) when I didn't want these peeps to be invited and do the same there. They would have made wonderful additions in reality but I am a scumbag okay? I regret losing another friend glow who called me on it and voiced her objection to my behavior and wish I could have clearly explained what I was feeling and my stupid choices which I am sorry for because I felt she was choosing them over me when perhaps it was, perhaps it wasn't an us or them thing at all, merely seeing how ugly I was at the time.

I regret taking things so personally and leaving because I am sensitive but selfish. And now, when I read their blogs and see them linking each other, I again feel left out. Oh, sure, I did respond to one person's request for permission and she obligingly put it in, not like anybody will actually care enough to scope it out, but I truely appreciated the gesture, like I mattered.

Can you tell I am feeling lost today? This? Is the kind of shit I think about when it is slow at work and I am already sad about this stuff, so I had a really miserable day, didn't make much money and was at least thankful I had the previous couple of days, nice run while it lasted.

Odd (or not) that the first pic I took was of a small cemetary near work:



The only other one that grumpy night:



I really WAS trying to find some beauty in the world. I hung and waited awhile, after getting off late, for Jody to come in on her bus but never saw her so I went home. At 11, Trav asked where Jody was. I dunno but I'll go look for my woman as she would not call for a ride up the hill, she would walk it if she missed the last bus. No sign of her anywhere walking so I thought I would hang and see if she got off any of the busses. 45 minutes later I was getting reeady to head back up the hill when she called. Said she was going to stay at the lab because she had missed the last bus. Oh, no, I am not gonna let my friend sleep at the Federal Building on the floor, so I went and got her. Then all was a bit better with my world.

I so did not want to get up Saturday for work

But I had no choice so I did.It was a long day and not all together fun since I was still in a funk but it died off around 6:45 so I was off by 7. Getting off early is a good thing. especially when you've had to work late the previous 2 days, having come in early on one of them. I managed to take a few pics that day. Let's see if I can remember what they were.

Oh yeah, from a customer's porch at the very top of Alewa:



At the little cemetary near work, I was trying to get a good shot of the heron, that little white mass in the center:



The clouds were cool?:






A little bit of sunset:






Came home to find Jody working the puzzle and before bed we actually finished it, sorry it's so blurry, the kitchen lighting sucks sometimes:



Sunday

We were off to Wainae to get the cow poop. That was different but kinda like being home again. While Jody was getting what she needed, I was petting a young bull. With a really long tongue. Who was curious about my fanny pack. Oh, sure, he startted out all innocent, licking my hand, but he wanted to taste whatever was in there. Nothing really, but he was curious and I was fascinated by his tongue. It isn't appropriate to ask if one can take pics when one is asking a favor of a business whose livlihood is so fascinating but we did get a pic of the sign on the way out:



Then we debated which beach to go to since it was getting late in the day. Having never been to Ko Olina, Jody said let's try there. But before we could get out of Wainae, there was some sort of water main break or something that was flooding the road so while we sat in traffic, waiting for it to move, I took this of the palms and a pine in the middle (hard to see the pine but it was there):



Finally moving and when we got to Ko Olina we went from one parking lot to another for about 30 minutes, waiting to be let in. Then we finally were allowed to wait for another 15 minutes or so before a spot opened up where we could park. Finally, going in to the beach area of Ko Olina:



After about 15 minutes in the water, with nothing to see, we got out and left, deciding that even Sand Island would be better. But on the way out we were oggling the geese and though you can't really see them (little black dots to left of the pond) they were beautiful:




On to Sand Island. Greeted by a rainbow (left side of it):



Right side:



A couple minutes later:



The sky to the right of the rainbow over the water:



A minute later:



Going to be a beautiful sunset, but we were dashing to the car as it was starting to rain:





Came home and started a new puzzle. Okay, that's pretty much up to date for now.

Love love to you all.....