One of "those" days?

I had updated my blog only moments ago and when I hit the "publish post" button, my puter froze and lost the whole thing. Perhaps it was the powers that be telling me not to post what I had written, I dunno. Yes, it is true that I was having a pity party of one, feeling alone and castout but whether the feelings were caused by genuine attacks or not, the feelings were genuine.

I spent this morning lurking in OTland and felt somewhat bashed in a thread, though not mentioned by name, I was the last "keeper of the birthdays" as one poster put it. And while I had specifically told the person who I sent the file to that there was much controversy surrounding the original sign up thread, the people on it had actually done so at the time. Granted, at that time I got overwhelmed with real life before I got around to sending the file to this person and hadn't been around the site much, how was I to know that some of them no longer go there? So I left there feeling outcast and unwelcome, debating whether I should ever return or not.

Hence my pity party. I use to spend alot of time there, back when I had the time, and felt accepted for the most part, but since I have been away, I feel like I am not welcome there anymore and though it is only a web site, it feels like a slap in the face. Almost like high school. I thought of many of them as friends but now I feel like I was just tolerated.

I spent yesterday cleaning house, rearranging furniture, and throwing stuff out and I don't know where that burst of energy came from, but the house looks great. Part of it may be due to the fact that I am so conditioned to working days that now I am lost during the day time when I don't have to be to work until 4pm. Could be just nervous energy and it doesn't really matter because the house still looks great, but mostly I believe I am just lonesome. Feeling alone since I don't really have any friends. I mean, come on, I used all the attachments on my vacuum cleaner yesterday and went so far as to do the baseboards and corners up to the ceiling.

I can call the old boss this afternoon and maybe he will have a spot for me with the new contract we just got, that would leave me no time to be lurking on line and getting my feelings hurt by people I have never met face to face. And no, Tab, this is NOT directed at you -- you have proven to be my rock and one true friend. For that I thank you again.

I know once I go to work this evening I will feel better and hopefully it will reflect in tomorrows post. Damn but I am emotional lately. And this too shall pas, at least I whole-heartedly hope so.