Down in the dumps

I have been so overwhelmed and generally pissed off at Travis since Wednesday that I have not been here to write. I did write but in Word as opposed to here so as to not bring my pals down. I went so far as to contemplate my own demise. Yes, I have been feeling that bad.

To give you a clue, I will include what I did write on Thursday when he let me down yet again:


Enough

She knew that when she thought he would be the death of her, she meant it quite literally. She had had enough of his bullshit, was sick and tired of trying to trust him and being continually disappointed. She was depressed to the point of contemplating suicide as the only way to get out of the mess he had created for her. When she did think of her own demise, she could clearly see the note she would leave behind, giving him full credit for the fact that she took her own life to get away from him and his lack of respect for her as well as the hole he was digging for her.

She pondered how it was that she had spawned such a manipulative, self-centered child, when all she had ever done was to live by example how to be a responsible adult with integrity. Was he not smart enough to see her anguish or just lacking a conscience and didn’t care? It didn’t matter to her anymore, she just wanted out of the whirlpool of shit she was in because he couldn’t be counted on for anything he said he would do.

It was conflicting her, really, she was just a softhearted person who would have done anything she could for her children or anyone else who asked, when she knew that she should just throw him out to show she wasn’t going to take anymore. Suicide would leave him holding the bag and no mother to run to ever again. She actually believed that it was the price she would have to pay to make him pull his head out of his ass and grow up. She just wasn’t sure it would matter to him and the ultimate sacrifice would leave her daughter and grandchildren without her.

It didn’t matter to him that he had lost everything he ever really owned, most of it she had either bought or made for him and his children, when he didn’t pay his storage bill, just like it seemed to matter less to him that she was about to lose her stuff because of him. If the things she placed in storage and paid the bill for over 2 years would have been replaceable, she never would have put it in storage in the first place. But family heirlooms, photos and portraits are NOT replaceable and whoever would buy them at auction would throw them out as trash and keep the frames. Her heart was breaking. And he was the largest part of it, not to mention the ulcer she was fighting or the gray hairs that were multiplying daily.

If he had been her boyfriend or husband she would have thrown his shit to the curb, him along with it, long before now. But he wasn’t either of those things, he was her only son and so her frustration mounted. If she booted him out, she would never recover anything he owed her and she would still be in the same mess. As far as she could see, the only way out was to leave him without her to clean up the mess.

He thinks she believes all of his lies. Many times she does when he tells them, in hope of them not being the lies they turn out to be. He says he loves her but she knows if he did he wouldn’t lie to her and fuck her over like he does. Some days she wants so badly to hate him but doesn’t know how to hate her own child, let alone anyone else. So she battles depression and anxiety and hopes for change, deep down knowing he probably never will. It saddens her and many nights she cries herself to sleep since sleep is the only place she can escape her anger and growing resentment.

Pretty depressing, huh? And the auction was such a joke I wish I would have just slept in, it was pointless to have bothered. Not that there wasn't a ton of great stuff but there was no organization or control. I'll get into it better tomorrow as the hour is late and I am sleepy. I'll be okay..... At least I hope so.