I feel numb
And it isn't even a comfortable numb like Pink Floyd referred to. I was invited to a couple of things today but don't have the energy or will to do anything. I am in the midst of laundry and listening to some obscure movie on the TV but otherwise I am just numb. I felt anger earlier along with sadness but now I just don't feel anything.
Travis didn't go to work because he didn't get a bus pass before he drank his whole paycheck away and I refused to take him. He thought by saying that if I wanted him to keep his job and see any money that I would be all over it. But I let it be known that I wasn't falling for that crap anymore and had no reason to believe he would fork any of it over, judging by his past history. I no longer will take any responsibility for his shit and I won't let him make it mine. I wouldn't say I feel anything for him now--not love, not hate, not anything. How sad is that?
Pizza Hut did call me yesterday and are patiently waiting for me to come to work and though the money will be nice, it's too late to save my stuff in storage, only soon enough to be able to pay for everything else that I haven't been able to keep up with by myself. Kicking him out will be hard as a mother but if I don't I am doomed and I know it.
I will admit that I am cranky partly because the lady downstairs woke me up this morning when I was trying to sleep in for once, but mostly my feelings of devastation are about losing everything I own that is precious to me. I don't mean to harp on it, really I don't, but the thought of somebody throwing away a lifetime of pictures and family portraits is killing me, and not in a nice quick death kinda way.
So I feel disconnected from life at the moment and it will automatically be reflected here, for this I apologize. I am only hoping that the depressive drivel is better than my not writing because I have ceased to exist. I know this too shall pass but it doesn't make it any easier and whoever said what doesn't kill you makes you stronger may not have been talking about death in the sense that one is dead enough to bury. God I am morbid, sorry again.
I think I need a nap. Or something.
posted by Chrissy (woe) at
5:50 PM
2 Comments:
Chris, first of all, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the feeling other than as being similar to a house fire which my family experienced when I was a child. It sucks. Bad.
BUT- of all the *things* that were lost, not one of them were nearly as important and valuable as your LIFE! You still have all the memories...I know it's not the same but it's something.
I'll be honest here, at the risk of pushing the maternal defense buttons; I noticed that Travis had the habit of being very inconsistent as I was pm-ing him at PO. He had a different job constanty and never seemed to stick with anything. Am I right?
My point for bringing it up is that because he seems to have a habit of irresponsibilty, you have every right to look out for yourself. It might even do *him* good to have you stop carrying him.
I mentioned in PM that my brother was doing something similar and it makes me feel a little more outspoken I guess, so I am sorry if I have offended you.
I just don't want to see you keep falling deeper into the depression. You have a RIGHT to protect your sanity, physical health AND possessions. You have a daughter and grandchildern who you are important to and you owe it to them to hang in there and do what is neccesary to keep yourself alive. (emotionally and literally)
Please don't let this continue Chris. Help yourself. Please. *big hugs* You are in my prayers, Tabitha
Thank you Tabitha for your words of encouragement. The only way I may get through this IS to think of it as a fire that consumed everything, over which I had no control. But the sad truth is that admitting I lost control is just as devastating.
I am not feeling any maternal feelings toward Travis so I am not offended. He is only consistant in being an asshole who is irresponsible and self-centered.
My daughter and grandchildren, and.....well....my cats, are what keep me going. None of them care much for him either at the moment.
It is too late to protect my possessions but I am battling for my sanity and right now my physical health is not a real concern since I am so sad.
I do appreciate your prayers and your friendship. *hugs* back to you. Chrissy
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