8 down....

Tonight went fast but I didn't make anything in tips. Must be right before welfare checks go out. Hopefully tomorrow night will be better.

So today I was thinking about the Lorena situation and as writing helps, I wrote this letter:

Lorena,

Since it appears as if we are not on speaking terms, I have a few things I want to get off my chest in response to your dumping on me the other night. I have held my tongue out of respect for you and your feelings but I don’t want to have to walk on eggshells for the next 8 days and quite frankly I am tired of taking other peoples’ shit quietly when no consideration is given to my feelings.

You said you didn’t know who to trust but it is obvious to me that your choice is made and it isn’t me. I realize you have known Tammy much longer but remember too that she admits to being a grifter. I don’t know what she stands to gain in this situation other than hurting me but maybe she has her reasons.

You say Tammy called to “warn” you and I am wondering why you need to be “warned” about me. It feels like you and she have been in cahoots and maybe you were bitching about me to her? Don’t think she hasn’t said shit about you too, the difference being that I have never shared it because what is the point in hurting a person I thought was a friend? Maybe I was wrong. But it bothers me that you got mad at me when she was the one feeding you trash talk on your graduation day.

You said you would leave in 10 days and I am wondering if that is the point when you will have enough money together to do so. Not that I want you gone at all, but why are you waiting? If it is so terrible living here? And I am such a burden?

I didn’t realize I was a burden when I stored your stuff for 5 months to save you money while you were in Korea.

I didn’t realize I was a burden when I picked you up from the airport and gave you a place to stay.

I didn’t realize I was a burden when I gave up my Saturdays to go clean bird shit and other nasty stuff so you could have a few bucks in your pocket.

I didn’t realize I was a burden when I didn’t ask for gas money to get you there every week.

I didn’t realize I was a burden when I gave you ten bucks because I had it and thought you had nothing and never asked for it back when I had nothing.

I didn’t realize I was a burden when I didn’t ask you to clarify what specifically the first 200 dollars you gave me was for, or the 80 dollars a few days later, I thought it was for rent, perhaps I was foolish. And the last 200 you gave me a few days ago.

I didn’t realize I was a burden when I lent you the phone and you said you would pay and after a month I am not sure if part of the last 200$ was towards that but I didn’t ask.

I didn’t realize I was a burden.

I thought our agreement was 200$ a month even though you said 250 like you had always paid before, even when you had no kitchen or clean bathroom. Okay, you have been here 4 months and even at 200 a month, the total is now 800, of which 480 is covered, not including the phone, or include it if you want and I am sitting here thinking maybe you feel burdened by the debt, not unlike Travis, and was looking for a way out of it. I would rather you just be honest and tell me that than to end a relationship and I say relationship instead of friendship because I don’t know that you consider me a friend right now, or if you ever did.

Travis asked me once what made me think you would pay everything you owed and I said because I had no reason not to trust you like I have every reason not to trust him. He said “fair enough”.

On the subject of Travis, yes, he has some issues, but fuck, so do I. The big difference is that he has NEVER said anything bad or disrespectful about you, so even if he doesn’t have much of a conscience, he at least remembers the good manners I taught him. And he has never talked down to me like a stupid child OR called me childish, which hurts more than his deceit since it says I am not a capable adult. Every time you say something bad about him it hurts me as a mom and says, in affect, that I was a bad one. If you thought I was taking out my frustration at him on you, I am sorry for the misunderstanding, I was just sharing my frustrations, much the way you share how things piss you off but I didn’t take any of that as an attack on me, so sue me. Sure, it’s easy enough to tell people what to do about their kids, but until you are a parent, you can’t even begin to understand.

I am sorry you feel you can’t live here anymore, but I guess it was okay when you had school and no job or money. I am not even going to bother feeling any more hurt over this, mmk? I don’t want to part as enemies, really I don’t, but at this moment in time I fear you want it that way, for whatever reason, and I respect your feelings and the choice you make to do that.

I was going to e-mail it to her but haven't yet, since the writing to get it out is the biggest part of letting go, but what do ya think? Too harsh? I may still send it, not sure yet but will sleep on it.

Speaking of sleeping, I slept on the couch last night, just so I wouldn't have to share the same room with her. I slept good and woke up refreshed for the most part. That is when I decided to write the letter and get the rest of the kinks out of my neck.

I didn't get much else done today but that was a big thing for me so I was okay with at least getting on with my bad self. I forgot to take a picture for today, my bad, but the time went so fast and I didn't have a single hill with a view delivery. I had one on a steep hill up the valley here but nothing to take pictures of really and it was a scary hill so I was focused. Short and straight up-the car almost died when I slowed down to turn into the driveway! By the time it was over I was wishing I had been to Kam but not one delivery there today for me!

Travis did his volunteer thing with the Save the Nation Foundation before he came to work. He did good and people there like him. He told the boss not to give him his checks for the next 2 months, to give them to me and since we sign for our checks she said he had to sign them out himself. He said he would sign but to give them to me. He is making an effort anyway.

So that was today with the exception of one of the other drivers who asked me to trade shifts with him and work Sunday. I said no way because I am not up to 11 days in a row and I was sure he didn't want to trade a 5-9 for a 10-8 which I accumulated today, thank you very much. He said no, never mind. The manager forgot Monday was Memorial Day when she did the schedule so asked me if I'd come in that morning and I smacked my hand on the counter and said YES AND THAT"S MY FINAL OFFER!! So as much as I don't care for those long days, I know I need the dough and I have my Sunday off to recuperate from the long Saturday and the Tuesday off to recuperate from the long Monday.

Okay, now that is it:D Love love to you all.