I.......but

Now……

I am calm today (eerily like the proverbial calm before the storm kind of calm)…but oddly it will not seem like it in a second as you read further.

I apologize for venting yet again…but this is my journal and it keeps a record, a kind of documentation if you will, for me to look back on later while doing the CYA thing.

I have an attitude…but it’s not a problem since I just don’t care anymore, where the state is concerned.

I wish I wasn’t so emotionally volatile…. But I am working on it.

I may have committed political suicide…but if it takes going to the top, over the heads of everyone under the top cheese, to get an issue resolved, so be it.

I really wish life was not a shit sandwich….but the truth is the more bread you have the less shit you have to taste.

I realize that most of my problems are self-induced…but when will I learn?

I wish it wasn’t my nature to be a humanitarian… but it is.

I once again inquired yesterday when I might see a paycheck, since supposedly it was in the works. But I got the same old tired song and dance and my temper flared (I said I’m working on it, I didn’t say I had mastered it) and I cussed up a blue streak and told them to find somebody else to work for free or I would be forwarding all my bill collectors’ calls directly to them so THEY could explain when I might get to pay them since they were obviously not going to give me a straight answer. I was so thoroughly pissed off I said I needed an answer about a date or I wasn’t going to leave them alone. We went upstairs to the administrative office but was told the person with my paperwork was conducting an interview and I could wait up to an hour for her or call and make an appointment to speak with her. Like I don’t have another fucking thing to do today. I said I should wait, but not for the senior officer, for the interviewee so I could tell them how much they should NOT want to work for the state because they risked not getting paid. The secretary was not amused but shit neither was I.

I did indeed try calling the senior person an hour later and of course there was no answer so I did the next thing I could think of to get an answer—I whipped off a polite little e-mail to the Governor, yes the Governor of Hawaii. And if she should happen to make a phone call to inquire why I can’t seem to get paid, shit will no doubt hit the fan and rolling downhill as it does, will roll right back down on top of me. And my response will be “oh fucking well” because I am beyond caring who gets their ass chewed for stupidity as long as I get my money.

Okay, so I cut my own throat by taking this position but I was told it was going to be different this time since it was a different department. I was stupid enough to believe this and in so doing I have created my own financial downfall (or is it ruin?). If I just didn’t give a shit about people I would still be making decent money delivering pizzas full time for crying out loud, instead of trying to help a blind person further their education.


Then….

I think when I left off I was at the concert, maybe at intermission between goo goo dolls and Counting Crows? I was less than thrilled with the “dolls” really, since I was offended about a comment made by the lead singer, something to do with “old people” and I was thinking it was us older people with the money to buy your first album way back when that caused your fame in the first place you stupid eriot. Anyway, during intermission we went out for more fluids and some souvenirs.

I must say Counting Crows rocked, as always but it was Adam Duritz’s birthday so it was somewhat of a special night., Adam, as any fan knows, is the lead singer. I had a thing for him once upon a time. Still do, but I’m more realistic about it these days. And all too soon the concert was over and we were heading for the car. Being first in has its advantages but also the drawback is being close to the venue puts you behind a lot of other cars. Who were not really going anywhere fast. And they were rude, this is where the bird got thrown a lot and confused the hell outa me. I might make universal signals when idiots drive near me but I NEVER flip the bird. Not that I never have my whole life, I probably did when I was young and stupid. But I didn’t really see the point in it that night, with everyone kinda stuck in the situation.

When we finally managed to get back out on the road, somehow Amber missed our turn, or turned too soon or something, but an hour later, even I, a stranger to the area, could tell we were lost. We backtracked and ended up back at the venue and started over again, then stopped at a Jack in the box or some fast food joint for food and drink to go, since only the drive through was open and it was closing. Yep, it was late. Went on our merry way in search of a gas station so I could use the powder room and buy some goodies for breakfast. Then we headed to her house.

I woke up delightedly to the smell of coffee, grateful for the knowledge that her fiancé was a devoted coffee drinking smoker, not unlike my bad self. We took our coffee outside and had a smoke, he went off to check the laundry he had going (what a find this man was for her!) and I hung out for another smoke. After breakfast Amber and I departed to get me back to my moms, since it was going on 11am. We hadn’t gotten in until almost 3 so it still seemed early.

She dropped me and said they would be over to her dads for dinner. Mom was happy that I came back. More porch sitting, reading and telling her what the stuff in her wallet was. It was heart wrenching in a way but sweet in a way, she is so innocent in a child like way now. I really did enjoy the time with her, though it went kind of slow in that laid back country way that only those who have hung out on a porch for hours can appreciate.

We were picked up for dinner and went to Jims. Dinner was good, conversation interesting, the company familial. I went out to smoke after dinner and managed to get a phone signal so I called my pal Jody and left a message with Jims number as well as Ambers so she could get ahold of me. I didn’t leave moms since I figured she might answer and not remember I was there or who I was and tell Jody she had the wrong number. Jumped on the puter to check e-mail and couldn’t remember my password, I hate when that happens.

The next day was more of the same and Jody called that afternoon. Apparently when she called Jim he asked her why she didn’t just call moms number. He gave her the number and mom knew who I was when the call came so I was tickled to talk to her and find her excitedly waiting for my visit with her. I sometimes worry about stuff I don’t need to concern myself with. After dinner when Jim took us back to moms, I was inside and she came in and asked me if I was moving in with her. I said no, I had to go home when my vacation was over. She said she would go tell Jim.

Huh? I feel a setup. I went out to the truck and asked Jim if that was the plan-to get me to move there. He said if I wanted to. I told him I could never take the winters there, it wasn’t happening. Mom was in tears and I felt like shit.

The next day I prepared to travel yet again, to Boston for my Jody time. Mom was not happy that I was leaving her. When Jim came to take me back to my bus, mom asked me to stay again. I said I couldn’t but she could move home to my house with me. Jim said he’d buy her the ticket. She said she couldn’t leave her dog and I said bring her along. She said she better stay where she was. I think because it is somewhat familiar to her now. We loaded into the truck and headed for my bus.

That’s your 1,500 words for today kids. Until tomorrow, love love to you all…….